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nothing ever really means anything [15 Jan 2016|08:33pm]
i found all of my old techno albums from south dakota when i was cleaning off an external hard drive the other day. some 15 gigs of them. why does listening to them depress me, i thought dance music was suppose to make one happy.

i think i am going through alcohol withdrawal. mild and depleting is what it feels like and holy fuck do i want a drink.

i am trying to clear my mind for the big day next week. trying to channel as much sharpness as i can muster.

i found out today that my mom isnt coming to my graduation ceremony. i am not at all a ceremony person and i would never force anyone to do anything they didnt want to. these things are just stupid cheesy motions where people read pseudo-intellegent inspiration quotes about the sun rising like a rainbow or some shit like that. i kinda wish i didnt have to go.

when i was a teenager and i tried out for the cross country team, i turned out to be quite good. somewhere around 7th grade through 10th. my first year on the team i beat out all the high school runners and within somewhere around two or three months, i was bestowed the mvp title on the entire team. my coach took a special interest in me because i was so much better than everyone he had. i was winning races and coming home with more trophies than i had space for. my best 5k was 15:59, which is a little over five minutes per mile. noone on that team could touch me and i was finally, extremely excited about being someone. my immediate family never once came to a race, not even the local ones. they were all too self-absorbed with all that goddamn religious shit. i have always been invisible to them. it felt like i was winning all this shit for noone since at that age, all i really wanted was my family to acknowledge me. i quickly grew out of that desire.

i think i am actually sad that she's not coming. the first in my family to get one of these things and noone to show it to. gosh, i feel like i'm 13 fucking years old again.

growing up at 37 (maybe) [14 Jan 2016|09:14am]

so in about two months, i will have my first (and hopefully) my last bachelor's degree. school has been torment, truly. if i ever have to do another group project with a 23 year old individual who still lives with his parents i think i will jump off the nearest bridge. and mind you we have quite a few bridges to choose from. i have so little patience for anyone who hasn't gone through tremendous hardships, difficult times, and/or hasnt come to an intimate understanding of this cruel, cruel world.

so here i am, my pinning ceremony is approximately 240 clinical hours away. i am bascially a nurse aready if you are rounding up (my school has a 80% pass rate on the state boards). well thats if i can get through this preceptorship and this "on it" of a nurse who will be training me. i recieved repeated warnings about this individual that i will meet on monday and how he expects a 'sharp' trainee. i certainly believe they chose the wrong student for this guy and i am trying my hardest to manage this massive self-doubt that has snow balled off a hill exactly the size of this weekend. i am terrified and for the most part of today i really just wanted to give up. can i really do all this. am i capable of being this. am i really going to start crying on bart.

and so i try and take my mind off of it all with a few of my many habits of ineffective coping. a bar, beers, and a persian boy who can play a mean game of pool. there is something sexy about a guy who can look at a table and find a path to the eight ball AND in all seriousness try their hardest to beat me. so i told him just that several times the other night as i attempted to effectively master my ineffective coping mechanisms. too many beers and a make out session later on the corner of church and 15th, in front of God and all his glory, oh and everyone else who happened to be walking by. keeping it fucking classy here like some newly transplanted twenty-something. i was actually quite embarressed as people walked by us on their ways. but as i have stated, he was quite the looker. and i obviously would have done anything for a few more of those kisses. i gave him two options as we left: i get the digits or he comes home with me. he took the former and offered me a ride to my apartment two blocks away. of course i said yes because i knew it would lead to more making out in his car, which it most certainly did.

and now i am sitting here trying to think of him instead of my fear of failure in this program and on the hospital floor come monday. gosh this place can be such a daily struggle. anyways, its almost 9:30 and well past my bedtime. maybe i will feel better in the morning.

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sexy times [04 Jan 2016|11:01pm]
so i just want to get out the last guy i hooked up with (and in turn kick start this journal back up). it was such an interesting experience. it very much reminded me of south dakota and it very much happened to be with a boy from north dakota. funny how all that works out. and even funnier that he knew l.w. personally; a boy i have written extensively about in this very journal. a boy i have very much been in love with, once upon a time. funny how everything is just a billion circles, circling in our endless fucking circles.

and the boy's name was c. he's a porn star who is arguably someone i havent sleep with. the arguing parties of course being him and i. he says we didnt but i say we did. the proof is that i already had his phone number, even after he tried to sneak out of the door the next morning without sharing it. i also already had pictures of him in my 'boys i've had sex with folder.' though i do have to admit that if we did have sex, i certainly dont remember the specifics.

he was an amazing cuddler this time, so much so that he kept me awake all night and wouldnt let me sleep; my annoyance was easily overcome by my content. it was kinda nice to be held onto with such a death grip where every time i moved, he rolled with me, tightening his grip around my waist. he slept naked too. and he was the best cuddler i have ever tried to cuddle with. and he also made me feel sexy. from the tales that he had hoped our night would end with me in his arms, just as he had wished it upon seeing me enter the bar. and how we both admitted to checking each other out across the bar, often daring the other to look away. he was so into my body and barely ever had his hands off of me. and when he told me he was hiv+, i only batted an eye. and i am so proud that i was still intimate with him regardless. i was finally able to practice what i preach.

and when he suddenly left the next morning sometime around 11:00 AM, declining a shower and more cuddling i presume i knew that i would probably, hardly ever see him again. despite all the intense, absolutely goddam, amazing cuddling we had had. and i hope i remember him this time because he smelled so nice... so musky... so sexy. and the part that still has me smiling is that he made me feel so sexy. such an egotistical feeling but one i havent felt in quite some time.   
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plans for plans [01 Jun 2013|03:01pm]
[ mood | calm ]

today is my 35th birthday.

yesterday i received the news that i was accepted into csu east bay's rn program. before that news, i was at my wits end and completely unsure where next semester would be taking me. after being denied my plan a (sfsu rn program), and plan c (ccsf rn program), i was working on plan d and e. that is switching my major, pursuing a master's in physical therapy and getting a job as a cna and reapplying to plan a, c, and b next year. these programs are extremely competitive here in the bay area and i am blown away that i have ranked in the top 100 of approximately 800+ at csueb. i ranked 160 of roughly the same numbers with my first choice, which was so strictly due to locational convenience and low costs. i have not gained an affinity for sfsu in the entire year i have been in attendance. the university is too large, the professors too cold, the counselors too unhelpful, and as a whole too profit driven. the boys, i will say, are quite nice to look at. so i cant say that the last year at sfsu has been a waste but i am leaving them for what im told is a more helpful rn program.

i am still a bit shocked to learn that my future is currently mapped out. its been so uncertain for so long, all this competing to get into here or there. all this chronic stress. all these backup plans for backup plans. all this reaching for a dream that has stayed just beyond my reaching grasp for exactly this long. i am in a nursing program. i am in a nursing program.

oh yeah and im 35. thats nice too. ive received the best birthday present a 35 year old could ever get. the bf is going to come over shortly and i am also going to get laid. thats nice too. then dinner with the bestie and drinks with everyone else. its a grand day.

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[11 Aug 2012|12:36pm]
thursday it seemed we got away with murder and this is the image.
.. ... .Collapse )
it was by far the best day ever at marshall's and theres nothing like having a nudie beach to ourselves and laying out in the fog. it came and went and came again and it was still warm enough for us to stay till 5:30, which is practically unheard of here. we also got plenty of sun where it doesnt normally shine and im reclaiming my brown roots. lancypants, nick and i. a very unique day and now a very treasured memory. 

[14 Jul 2012|08:20pm]
i rode 22 miles on my bike yesterday and it felt kinda amazing. it was a beautiful view from the marin headlands to look at the bridge from such a far away distance and think, i made it here entirely on my own. and of course the subsequent thought was, i have to make it back. it was exhausting but the kind of exhaust that makes your body feel amazing. i slept like a rock and muscles i didnt even know i had are aching in a very good way. i hope to do that again soon. 

the awful gig as the san francisco personal welcoming committee [07 Jul 2012|08:16pm]
its been quite a long three weeks and im not giving up entirely on the wrestle for my mind but i am certainly finding it difficult to see away out of this choke hold. pre-pride, pride, post-pride and 4th of july all seemed to have run into each other so much so that i can hardly tell the days apart. well i guess i can really if i just focus on the boys. theres seth-from-dc, jared-from-here and ole johnny-no-last-name from southern california. the latter one received a very vague and empty answer when he asked me, as he was getting dressed and leaving, "what kinda things should i do in san francisco?" im totally over meeting boys who are leaving and even more over doing touristy shit. totally.

my best friend from across the ocean came and went. we spent ten days in each other's presence and his sister (her maiden voyage to america) was here for seven. i had a splendid time but as a person who normally requires a lot of down time for reconstruction and preparation i got none. the only moments i did have to myself were in the shower. i assert that that time is inadequate for my needs. i had completely forgot how much i missed him until i heard him speak and the memories came flooding back and i was glad to see him again. two years is a long time but in san francisco that time goes by differently. theres a tendency to let months and even years go by before we look up from our brisk walks to the bart station. from our mobile devices as we shop for groceries. from our rush from here to there only to find ourselves waiting to get to the next place. it goes by unnoticed. hans and anja and i did everything one could do here in the city and then some out, to include the marin headlands and a day trip to yosemite. after seven full days of that one can come to understand why johnny-no-last-name got that answer to his extremely annoying question. and so lets catalog the events by the boys, shall we.

seth-from-dc was quite cute and to be honest, at first, i didnt really think he even shared the same thought about me. granted we did only spend a night together and that night fully inebriated. hans had done all the work by approaching and almost instantly making out with seth-from-dc's friend nathan-from-dc, at which point it was quite effortless for me to beckon him to the seat near me in front of the fish tank at moby's. from there we flirted and talked while hans and nathan continued to make out like kissing fish. i liked seth a lot, a 26 year old paralegal who happen to be on his first night in the city. when hans and nathan came up for air and began to speak, hans discovered that he actually didnt like that guy and promptly wanted out of the situation. i of course wasnt going anywhere. once the DCites decided they were going to another bar i was unsure if it was their intent for us to follow. well i really didnt give a fuck about nathan's intent. seth asked me to come along and hans quickly found his escape route blocked. we eventually hit up several other bars that night and at some point i found myself completely naked and cuddled up in my bed with seth. where hans and ole what's-his-name went was unknown. i soon discovered the difference between hans and what's-his-name and that was hans had a key to my apartment, whats-his-name had no keys. seth had in his possession the only set they had to the studio apartment they were renting for ten days. i found hans in my roommates bed (my roommate of course sleeping on the couch again). i had a good time and as always, it wasnt enough. its never enough. little would i know that that would be the last time i would see this seth-from-dc. 

which leads me to the next boy. that was pink friday, this is now sunday pride. pink saturday's another story to be filled in at another time (also remind me to tell you about pink thursday). hans and i of course had to go to the god awful parade which is jam packed full of lame politicians, the floats lacking  drag super stars and boys spilling off in their underwear. so parade  ::yawn::, then some time at the civic center event before home to change into warmer clothes and then to get some drinks and pool at the pizzy. this is where we find jared-from-here whom shall from this time forward be referred to as jared-packing-heat. surprisingly hans had to point out this attribute to me, which i must admit is a first. i wouldnt be surprised if upon meeting someone, i was told "hey, my eyes are up here buddy." anyways, yes jared is packing heat but this would only be confirmed two tuesdays from now when i return his bathroom grope at the straight irish bar he drug me to in the excelsior. wait, im gettng ahead of myself, so pride at the pizzy, and jared hasnt taken his eyes off of me from the moment i stepped in the bar. he immediately recived an ax in my mind because of his awful shoes. thats the second thing i look at when it comes to boys. they were the european style dress shoes that have the really long toe area that almost curls up, i think spanish guys wear them a lot and the are completely and utterly repulsive. they remind me of the wicked witch of the west when the house fell on her and all that was left were her slippers, which i think were of the exact same style and make. anyways, upon hearing about his heat, i had come to reconsider taking back this ax i had so freely given him. hans got really annoyed at him and yelled from across the bar that he should stop staring and fucking talk to me already. which of course was my cue as a natural diffuser to walk around the table and introduce myself. jared was completely smitten (as his friends would later tell me), we exchanged numbers before they all rushed out to the next bar. of course not before he insists on completely making out with me  right there in front of God and everyone else. i was embarrassed because im not typically the guy to make out in a bar, "keep it classy" thats my motto.    

heres a paragraph break to ease the eyes. so yeah, we play pool the subsequent tuesday at the mix where upon i discover that he is in fact much too young for my tastes. that determining factor being his conversation i overheard where he asked to borrow money from an assumed acquittance. dont get me wrong, borrowing money was not the fault, doing it causally at a bar, seemingly on a semi-date with a boy you are just meeting is the crime. i would later come to give him a second chance the following tuesday where the previously mentioned groping occurred. after all he wants a piece quite badly and who am i to refrain him from such. we have plans to hang out tomorrow night where i am certain the sexual tension will be released between the two of us and we can have a fucking conversation.

and so here we are at ole johnny-no-last-name. it is also july fourth and i find myself around the same pool table with ex #1, whom i had pretty much spent the day with. i omitt his name because hes turned out to be a very high profile attorney these days. anyways, that day we went in and walked out of abraham lincoln: vampire hunter (who wouldve guessed it would have been stupid). i made an indian dinner at my place and we had plans to watch the foggy fireworks on his roof at 9:30. so about 9:00 is when the very cute asian guy walks in, sits at the bar and is very interested in our pool games. this is who would later become johnny-no-last-name and whom i would have an accidental threesome with. i say i because ex #1 most likely had those intentions the moment he invited him to accompany us to his roof. at this point we are on the roof of the large apartment building around the corner from the pizzy and on bottle of wine number two. this is after approximately two beers, some weed smoking on my behalf and with a full bottle of wine to come in the near future. i remember the fire works and i remember that jonny-no-last-name had the smallest penis ive ever come to see but anything and everything from the moment we left the roof was blacked out. ex #1 was happy to fill me in and i was quite surprised to realize what had happened. first that i would have sex with my ex #1. second that ole johnny was that open and experienced about being gay and would bottom for said ex. bottoming isnt just something one does at the drop of a hat and without preparation.

and thats all there is to it. ive got a list im going through and slowly getting it all down here. ive vowed to not let my livejournal fall by the wayside. but this is enough for tonight. ive got to get ready to go to the layover in the "o" for d's birthday drinking. i do and will admit that im ready to get off this drinking train. maybe its the summer break, maybe its the time of the year, maybe its the company i keep but i just cant get away from this firewater. its the wrestle im engaged in when i say im wrestling for my mind. i want it back and i want it clear. i will win this, its just going to take some careful strategizing.

[29 Jun 2012|08:06pm]
sometimes you're ahead
sometimes you're behind
the race is long
and in the end it's only with yourself

everything is temporary [09 Jun 2012|03:43pm]
yesterday i lost a significant piece of jewelry somewhere between here and a bike ride to the metreon. im still quite bummed out about it. it was one of the two bracelets that carg gave me. i still have the other but its tough losing something like that. tough for me at least. the toughest though was the bracelet i lost in south dakota that jackie gave me. that was a tremendous loss that i will always remember. my jewelry means that to me, especially the ones that come from such important people.

im on week two of my summer break and im not so sure i know how to feel about it. as a busy body, its difficult adjusting and then theres always the rising feelings of doubt. that latter being the most difficult. i am registered for 13 units this fall at state, my first real university. i plan on going here and working towards my bachelors degree as well as applying for the nursing program in october. its going to be very difficult to get in and a simple mistake could prove fatal. i dont know what to do if i dont get in but thats thinking much too far into the future. i dont even know if im going to survive the day, much less the week.

i really miss the-other-jonathan. funny how i cycle through these feelings. from one end of the spectrum to the other. its not that im indecisive at all, in my mind i always make decisions, theres just always two of them. and the two are typically conflicting. 

im also trying to wrestle my mind back from this wine. its proving difficult but each day is another day to try.

thats all i have tonight.

anger is easier [13 May 2012|09:02pm]

i must confess, one of the primary reasons of my inactivity in my journal is due to my re-playing of old nintendo games on my pc. ive found an emulator for practically every system and subsequently purchased a gaming controller. ive been stuck trying to collect the 100 stars in super mario 64. i dont know why but theres comfort in the games that i spent a childhood hiding in.

i was brazen yesterday and approached one of the hottest swimmers at the pool in the locker room. this guy has one of the most amazing bodies ive ever seen though i wasnt entirely impressed with what i saw in the showers. his name is kevin and he was not only approachable in such a hetero-dominant setting (the locker room) but he was quite interested in returning the conversation. very, very asian but i think thats what i find so attractive. he inquired when i would be swimming again and im certain theres something there. what, is exactly what im unsure of. 

it should also be noted i also finally talked to another boy i see often. he had a belt that had piano keys on it so it was easy to break that ice. he also is extremely attractive but in a completely different way. his name is nate and he wasnt so receptive but i think it was more due to his nerdiness. he was very sheepish and i had to get closer just to make out his soft spoken words. i dont expect much to come out of that but i do feel quite proud that i approached him. im getting much better at this.

but theres one missing and i have approximately two weeks to "bump" into him. ive been cruising/stalking him for a week now and we always miss each other in passing but in that passing there has always been a smile or a hello. he is also a swimmer and bears no resemblance with the other two. very tall white guy, looks quite good in a speedo. i hope to "bump" into him this week though i intend to return to my evening swim times. i just have a difficult time jumping into a large cold body of water, when its still dark out. my evolutionary mind screams "dont do it! got back to bed."  

so yeah, two weeks and finals well be over. i anticipate my history exam to be difficult. i really like this teacher so i am trying to do my absolute best. so good that i spent the entire weekend on her research paper and i chose just about the most depressing topic she doled out. an entire weekend analyzing john wilkes booth. that guy practically destroyed every life he ever came in contact with. 

i also wanted to mention how pissed off i am at my ex. pissed off but certainly cant tell him about it, we are after all broken up. but of the entirety of our eleven months together he was and still is closest friends with his exs. i had to put up with the other-other-jonathan so much that i refused to acknowledge his existence. i would also like to point out he is the model that i did not and refused to live up to. the-other-jonathan's other ex before the-other-other-jonathan i actually really enjoyed being around. but yet here we are, i am an ex and un-included in any friendship. granted its only been a handle of months since we broke up and two weeks since we broke up for the second time but i dont find those valid arguments. btw the second breakup was not because we were still sleeping together. he asked me if i would consider getting back together and though i gave it serious consideration, i was forced to decline. yeah here we are, not friends and i feel as if im being punished for not fitting into the mold that he wanted me to. mind you me not fitting is the very reason he liked  me so much and yet that is being held against me. ive also come to understand that he may not have loved me as he claimed. that is his love was conditional on the fact that i was in a relationship with him, now that that component has been removed so has the love. sigh.. .. this place can be so effing messy sometimes.

anyways, thats all i got. im going to go play super mario brothers now.    

not waving but drowning [07 May 2012|09:00pm]
ive sat down at this place and at this space often of lately. its just that i start a sentence and all too quickly find that nothing comes out. its certainly not due to a lack of happenings. i can easily put that argument to rest. for instance yesterday i declined the week old offer of getting back with the-other-jonathan under a new arrangement, this mind you was delivered as an ultimatum. theres the end of my last semester at city college and the transfer to a university, that mind you is shrouded in so many uncertainties i really have no idea what im doing or where im going. theres the early acknowledgment of the struggle for my mind and the daunting fear that i just may not win this one. those three alone could fill a novel. those three alone loom over my every day.

but wait im not done. theres the dwindling savings account that is due its last deposit in a month. the lifestyle ive justified and recently realized that i cant afford. and i dont mean some luxurious lifestyle of caviar and champagne, its the health aspect that i cant afford to eat organic, unprocessed, healthy food.  

and lets just briefly mention probably one of the biggest fears that ive only told two people about. the reason several times a day i look to my phone to wonder why it is the public health department hasnt called.

theres davy, who is making a creeping comeback now that hes learned im single.

did i mention finals? those are less than two weeks away now. ... ...

.. ..ugh. ..

[23 Apr 2012|08:41am]
i had a dream this morning that mixed up several significant parts of my life in one moment. well several significant relationships that is and of course the center of the dream was patrick and jamie. i was back in that emotional place where they left me and jackie had called me and left me a voice mail that i wish i had. it was lengthy and she mentioned that she had watched me evolve into the person i am and used the example of the progression of music i listened to and how it was changed from techno to what i listen to now. she ended the message telling me that i knew what i was getting into when i got into dating those boys. in the dream i was living in their downstairs bedroom and i was trying to avoid them. i saw jamie a few times but never patrick. when i stepped outside there was an amatuer street performer singning with a guitarist and drummer. that singer was genetech chris. he was singing deyamond edison's 'as long as i can go' and was doing a very good job of it. i sat down on a stone fence off to the side and watched and listened to him for a bit. the dream ended with me actually looking for patrick and jamie in the house we lived in, going from room to room to room to room and not being able to find them. as i was looking for them the house had somehow gotten really large and my search was lengthened but i only realize that now. i never found anyone in that house.

not so strange that chris should make an appearance in my sub-conscious after so long since i did see him at baker beach the other day. he looked the same and apparently he had seen me the whole time. and by whole time i mean he saw me as i was laying out completely naked, only after i had gotten dress did he come up to say hi. oh well, its good that he saw all that he gave up. and by all i mean me.   

grocery store heartaches [01 Apr 2012|07:39pm]
its dana but somehow i knew that. really as i was walking away, trying to comprehend what a protein stain was i thought to myself. i already knew your name was dana and how weird is that since this is our first true introduction. his name never appeared on the receipt, though mind you i have always looked, just his employee number. they dont wear name tags there. and so how is it that ive always known that? and with the conversation today, is it possible that he was trying to code me some kind of gay message? im still uncertain which team he plays for? was the content an attempt to flirt? and most importantly and the question that burns through my mind every time i stand in his checkout line, bold in eye contact, is what would it feel like to fall asleep, naked in his arms?

[26 Mar 2012|11:12pm]
when my dad died
the worms ate out both his eyes
his soul fly right up in the sky,
i cried myself to sleep

when my mother lies
alone on her back at night,
adding up hours till her demise,
she counts herself to sleep

when my sister finds
my body closed up like the blinds
i tell her i promise its fine,
she cries herself to sleep

and the men in black ties
arrive at the house in surprise
to find a little girl by your side
in the wood box where youre sleeping

and i still see you
inside of this god-awful house
you move awfully quiet now

and i still feel you

you told me this has always been worth living,
but whats really worth living

the clown in the backyard [13 Mar 2012|06:38am]
ive often wondered that if my drinking is driven by a subconscious attempt to shut off my dreams. the more sober i am the more wild they get. the worlds in my mind can be twisted and full of fear. or simply just twisted. take last night for instance.
the first dream was quite memorable and when i woke i quickly wrote as many bullet points down as i could before i had to run off and start the day. ive been thinking about it all day and here it is. the first scene started off with two little boys, brothers. faceless, nameless, their distinguishing qualities are simply younger brother and older brother. the older brother is strangling the younger with his bare hands for the second time. its serious and the younger boy is at the point of suffocation and nearly dies before someone intervenes and they separate. i feel like it was me, the dreamer, that intervened but im not sure. i have no place in their world, i am just watching from a strange understanding perspective. i feel their emotions, i sense their beings, i know who they are, i am familiar with their world and i have the see-all vantage point. the younger brother is recovering, catching his breath. the older brother was trying to get some information out of the younger brother but he wont tell him, even at the brink of death. its something very, very important.

the scene flashes to the older brother discovering the younger brother sneaking into a secret place in their back yard. an alternate reality. a place that shouldnt be there but is. the emotions, feelings and colors before this scene when the brother enters and in the prior one are normal, nothing noticeably wrong. im not sure how the secret place is hidden from everyone else or how the brothers enter but the older brother goes there when the younger is away. inside is a very magical place and initially very bright, happy colors and emotions. its a lure but its not obvious and not noticeable at first. it becomes that though. inside this place is a pond and there are several puzzles to solve. fun and attractive ones. the older brother is ecstatic and begins solving one that involves placing and holding two items in two places that are far away from each other and one item is just outside of reach. at the point that the older brother realizes that he needs help a clown appears from the pond. its not weird that the clown lives in the pond and he steps out and gives the brother conditional help. the clown appears to be a normal, happy clown but there is an air of malice surrounding him. nothing thats pin-pointable but certainly a darkness in his aura. this is ignored by the older brother and the younger one for that matter because of the secretiveness of the secret place, the attractiveness of the puzzles and the clown himself. the clown is exceptionally manipulative and this place  is his place, built to attract and steal innocence. the clown helps the older brother solve the puzzle and the brother is now in his debt. 

the scenes continue to flash through different stages of the brothers' lives as grow up and as they continue to visit the secret place in their backyard. each time making themselves more and more indebted to the clown. each time they return they must do something for him. the boys are changing, the outward appearance of the boys are different, almost spent. tired. their aura is darkness. the clown imparts dark loneliness on them each visit. the life is being drained from them and they are unaware. through all of this though the younger brother has gained a future insight, a foretelling that the clown is unaware of. the boy is taking something from the clown too. something important. the scene flashes from adolescents to teenagers and its become more clear that there is something wrong with them. they are becoming evil. the time as come for them to repay some of their debt to the clown and he requires them to do something that they comply with. they kill their parents. 

the scene flashes to them as adults, working dead end jobs. no goals. no hope. no happiness. they still visit the place. they live together. their home is a dump. their world is dark, depressing. they only have each other. the place they visit. the clown. the younger brother, now a man in his twenties, shabby hair, unclean and unkept smoking a cigarette in his bed, clad in only his boxers and his dick is lazily hanging out. they are arguing heavily. the hatred is seething. the argument is about how dead they are and how they have nothing but each other and how each other is not enough. the older brother sarcastically in the argument states that they might as well be sleeping in the same bed and fucking since they have nothing else in life. 

the scene shifts and the younger brother is giving a warning to the other brother. he has seen something with the foresight he has taken from the clown. something that has to do with the next puzzle the older brother is going to play. he tells the brother that the game is rigged and its going to come up doubles, the dice or cards or whatever. he tells the brother when it does come up doubles, its against the rules. to tell the clown he wont accept the terms.

the scene shifts. the older brother is strangling the younger brother for the third time. this is the terms of the rigged game he played with the clown. he had accepted the terms of the rigged game and the terms of losing. the older brother kills the younger brother. i am the younger brother. the dreams ends.

i died a second time that night. i had a premonition that there was going to be a brother who lost his brother. that some little boy was going to die and i was explaining it to my brother. scene shifts to my father and several of my siblings fleeing in a car. driving fast through a city. i couldnt understand the situation. i had discovered a kink in my father's excuse for fleeing. it didnt make sense, if we were fleeing, why had he packed a suitcase. it doesnt make sense now but at the time it was a key to whatever was wrong with the dream. it represented the point in which the dream didnt make sense. before i could analyze it further, we had arrived at a cliff. my father convinced me to jump off. we all had parachutes and as i am falling my father tells me to pull my chute. my first attempt fails, the chord is just too hard to pull and im only gaining inches at a time. hes yelling at me, to pull harder and im getting the chord out more and more but its becoming clear that i am getting too close to the ground. the chord finally gives way at my extraneous effort and the chute opens to a buncha strings but no parachute. my father tricked me to jump off the cliff with no chute. i tell him to tell my brother goodbye, that he was the one all along that was going to lose his brother. i hit the ground. the dream continues and i do not wake. everything seems to go one without me.

soon [28 Feb 2012|09:49pm]
i swam 60 laps tonight in about 45 minutes. as im processing this great withdrawal i find the pool the only place i can enjoy myself. the only place noone is expecting me to act in some way. no explaining or defending any behavior. no heavy emotions and certainly no drama. ive learned that my problems and everything that is stressing me out, cannot swim. that they must wait by the poolside until i get out and there are times, when i do get out i forget to pick them back up. i leave them there all night, waiting for me as ive  moved on without them. the pool is the only place i can find solitude. the only place i can be me. the only place i find me.

ive seen many things and ive been through many more. strangely enough the moving on of two close friends is nothing new. lives change. people change. goals change. geography changes. some you have a touch of control over and others you couldnt touch it with a ten foot pole. either way, i find myself in the deep in contemplation these days. deep deep inside my head. 

friday night i finally had the balls to tell the checkout person at rainbow grocery that i thought he was hot. it kinda came out of nowhere and it was well received. ive had a bit of a crush on him that was even endured that time he said to me "oh snap", and let me tell you, thats quite an endurance. hes always had me at 6'3 or whatever he is and the long hair is a plus. anyways, i told him that i always choose my checkout line by the hottest checkout person. he said thanks and said thats just what he needed to hear that night. what i would do to get me somadat, hmmmm.

ive decided that im going to stop stressing about this. that whatever happens he will get over it and i will be free to do/be what/who i am without constantly defending/explaining. in that ive also decided that im going to break up with him. that im not happy in a relationship and that specifically a relationship shouldnt be so much work. every text develops into a fight. every teeny tiny statement becomes some affront on his person. and all this is just his way of coddling his low self esteem, of finding value in who he is through me, which i of course refuse to give because ive never believed a relationship is the place for that. that must come long before the other. the biggest problem is: when?. when, when, when?

"he'll get over it" [26 Feb 2012|12:38pm]
i had a nice dinner last week with lancypants but the dinner was neither here nor there. it was the conversation that brought us together, though this time it was i that was in need. i that had so much to get off my chest in a brain storming, just get it all out in any order it comes kinda way. and i think the main thing that is still resonating in my mind, in my heart is his response to my fears of hurting the-other-jonathan. it was exceptionally wise and came so quick that i hardly think he knew that those were the words i needed to hear the most. im so confined in this box. and this relationship model ive found myself in simply and wholeheartedly depresses me. there ive said it.  

the great goddamn withdrawal [20 Feb 2012|10:35pm]
i spent an awful weekend pretending to be comfortable. pretending to enjoy myself as i drank deeply from my pinot and the memories that comprise me. the memories that consume me. and on the many deep levels this weekend was wrong, my extreme allergic reaction to chris and hector's cats was the most obvious. the others were easily recognizable to any keen to attention paying. and the second most adverse reaction was  much more grand in that it was to the heteronormative concept i was expected to be as the second half of a couple spending time with another heteronormative couple. and the primary thought racing through my head from start to finish was this: that i do not want to be in a relationship. that i do not want to be in this relationship. that i dont want to act like those people. that how i should act with this person and the connection that we should have not be based on a used, passed idea of a relationship that has never worked in the first place. 

and thats only the half of it. death seemed to be heavy in the air since friday, where upon i learned that it was the twenty-third anniversary of my sister's passing away. a sister i hardly remember and feel mostly guilty because of that. but then what actual memories carry over from a ten year old boy?

i only know that my boyfriend has suddenly and evocatively erected a box around my behaviors and im suffocating. im trapped under layers and layers of social expectations from him and from my friends and mostly from a society that daily tells me that my love, because it is gay, is unequal. and here i am stuffed in this box of expectations that is straining my posture and strength. that is cramping my muscles and forcing me to feel guilty for the nonconformity. as if conformity was all that i was to be striving for. as if i, of all people, was some simple replication of a social ideal constantly regurgitated on prime time tv.        

and this is the great withdrawal that noone seems to pick up on. from my friends to my boyfriend, it appears im a greater actor than i had known. and just another reason i find myself spending every weeknight swimming laps in a pool. the phone doesnt work there and theres noone else encroaching on who it is i am to be or how it is i am to swim. its just me, counting my laps and controlling my breath. a place where only i exist in this universe.

abused and cruised [31 Jan 2012|09:37pm]
i wanted to express an incident that occurred the other night here in an attempt to get it out of my head. i still feel all weird about it and im not sure how to express how it made me feel. i can for certain say it made me feel awful. and from the beginning i had a feeling that something like this would happen but i didnt realize it would go down like that. the way it played out in my head was that someone (or myself) would have stuck up for me, most especially considering the grand company i was in. anyways, my boyfriend and i were invited to dinner at the new cajun restaurant (old baghdad cafe) in the castro with a french couple that was in town. my best friend and his partner were there and an additional dear person whom ive rung in last three new years with. upon learning which restaurant i had a feeling that it would have no vegetarian options and sitting down, reviewing the menu confirmed that. what is the normal reaction to a situation like that? i personally take my diet very seriously and the moral convictions involved run exceptionally deep. and here i am stuck on the inside of a table for seven in an extremely awkward and hurtful situation. now dont get me wrong, i dont blame the company; i love them all dearly. i dont entirely blame the restaurant though this is the city by the bay and if one was to throw a stone without looking its guaranteed to hit a vegetarian and/or vegan. i dont know who was to blame but i felt hurt and ostracized in this supposed situation of intimacy, attempting to share a meal with the people i care about and who care about me. so i sat there trying to play it all off stirring my side of rice and beans and french fries while everyone ate these enormous plates of chicken and waffles. was i suppose to get up and leave? was i suppose to sit there and absorb the affront on my person? was i suppose to suggest another restaurant to a group that seemed to barely notice what was going on? regardless i was very hurt and i think in the future i will avoid potential situations like that. when i attempted to describe what happened to my boyfriend on the way home he said i was just being negative and that hurt like it does to not be understood.      

an image from top of the mark [pre-dinner]Collapse )

anyways, i doubt i could find anyone in my circle who would understand, perhaps my nutrition professor. i am really beginning to like her. this semester is going to be so fun, i really hope it lasts forever. ive got some really great classes and professors and its not going to be difficult in the slightest bit. between spanish 2b, nutrition, men's health, history and swimming im going to have some time to put my feet up and enjoy the stress reprieve.

i was getting hella cruised by this asian hottie in the showers today. and we all know the special place i have in my heart for asians. ive never been good at initiating any sort of interaction in that setting. he was wearing the same speedos as me in the pool and i acknowledged such but thats about as far as i got. i did purposely wash my hands to buy some time as he purposely used the shower closest to the hand dryer and faced me the entire time. i met his eyes twice and smiled the second time but i was out of formalities and had to leave without saying a word. hes still running through my mind and will continue to do so for a few days im sure. i hope he returns tomorrow evening because ive certainly located my motivation for swimming every day now (all current boyfriends aside).

anyways, anyways i feel much better now. thanks lj

and here we are [16 Jan 2012|08:41pm]
its funny how certain things come back around when you had thought they had already come and gone. and tonights text and subsequent conversation has led me to wonder, are we coming back around or is this the gone part. was it really just a polite parting goodbye that i hear from this nick and everything else he has come to embody. or was it an attempt to see what cards he had left in his hand, if for some reason all that he is betting on regaining is somehow unre-got. that is where the awkwardly placed question of my relationship status was rooted, wasnt it. but then what was the multiple mentioned secrecy all about. why mention something so quickly into the conversation (i barely got a hello in), so repeatedly in the conversation (i barely got a word in edgewise) and use as the closing point (he just about cut me off with it in parting), as if some subconscious drive was subconsciously driving.

this is all implying that i am any good at judging intentions and character in the first place. any good at listening to the inbetween and everything everyone is desperately trying to say. theres so much more i want to mention but should i choose to do so, this would just be another locked entry, hidden forever in the secrecy of my encrypted journal, for eyes but my own. by the way, its not that ive been silent this past year, hardly visible here, its that most of what i have to say shouldnt be posted in such a public place for all eyes and ears to determine the people whose names and identities have not been changed for their privacy. it seems like 2011 was all locked entries. for now.

and im still vividly tossing around this whole nick thing and why he found it so important to contact me with such a vaguely important intent. such a fumbled message with hints of something terribly important hidden in the pretense of supposed virtues of a heterosexual relationship. well most of what he said concerning that was quickly weighed for value and sold for scrape metal. that is what i feel is right and what i feel is wrong is not based on previously mentioned supposedness.

and if i was to step back and intellectually consider his call i would determine what he repeated the most, lost in his nervousness and emotional state. i would also look for any quick, subtlely mentioned ideas. i would pay attention to the adjectives and terms used, regardless of conscious or sub-consious intentions. i would particularly look for any truths hidden in a flippant joke. and last i would rate those accordingly and attempt to come up with some sort of intention. after all, everything can be simplified to this or to that. and somehow, in some sort of weirdo intuitive sense ive known all along its always been about this, right from the beginning. i had hoped it wouldnt come to this and i had hoped to not get caught up in all these webs ive woven.   

so here we go

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